On the 19th of April a Class Action was heard in the Avian Court of Queensland. The following transcript has been provided by Scot McPhie.
Bailiff Peregrine Falcon: We are assembled in this court to hear the matter of the Birds vs the Noisy Miners. The Honourable Judge Barking Owl presiding – all rise.
Judge Barking Owl: Thank you – be perched. Now representing the birds we have Barrister Pardalote QC, and I see Mr Noisy Miner you have chosen to represent yourself
Mr Noisy Miner: Yeah dats right guv. Dunno if this means I’ve got a fool for a client or a fool for a barrister, or both – but ere I am, rarin’ to go
Judge Barking Owl: Why have you got a cockney accent?
Mr Noisy Miner: Dunno – just seems to go wiv the whole gangster aesthetic – you got a problem wiv dat guv?
Judge Barking Owl (audible sigh): No – carry on
Mr Noisy Miner: Well what’s dis all about den anyway? One minute I’m minding everyone else’s business – and the next a pesky Willie fantail comes up to me and gives me a subpoena
Judge Barking Owl: A what?
Mr Noisy Miner: A subpoena… I would hav thought you’d know all about them guv
Judge Barking Owl: No, what delivered it?
Mr Noisy Miner: A willie fantail
Judge Barking Owl: Don’t you mean Willie wagtail?
Mr Noisy Miner: Well I know that’s what they identify as – but they’re really fantails – that’s just biology innit guv
Judge Barking Owl: I’m beginning to see why all the birds hate you
Mr Noisy Miner: Hold on guv I’m entitled to a fair and impartial trial
Judge Barking Owl: And you will get it. Can we have opening remarks from the prosecution please
Barrister Pardalote: Thank you your honour, there is no shortage of complainants and instances in the brief – so let me highlight just one – I would like to call my first plaintiff Mr Crested Pigeon
Mr Noisy Miner: Ohr no fair go guv – talk about easy pickins – your gettin up me for havin a go at ‘em?
Mr Crested Pigeon enters the court, looks nervously at Bailiff Peregrine
Barrister Pardalote: Do you swear to tweet the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
Mr Crested Pigeon: I do
Barrister Pardalote: Thank you – be perched. So Mr Crested Pigeon in your own words tell us what happened
Mr Crested Pigeon: Well where do I begin? There’s been so many instances – I’ve written them all down – thirty-five times in the last week – look at my diary (produces a diary) April 8th innocently minding my own business when mobbed by three noisy miners, April 9th eating grass seeds when mobbed by five noisy miners, April 10th practising tail fanning when mobbed by…..shall I go on….I’ve got hundreds of them
Judge Barking Owl: No no we get the picture – and sorry to make you relive all that. So Mr Noisy Miner what do you say in your in defence?
Mr Noisy Miner: Practising tail fanning? You’re having a lend aren’t you? I mean come on guv look at em – they need it – knock a bit a sense in to em – they need hardenin up – and the truth is guv – them birds is easy – they don’t even fight back – I dunno what’s wrong wiv em – it’s for their own good – teach em a fing or two about reality. All they do is fly away an make that stupid bloopey loopey loopey sound – I mean come on – whatdarya expect me to do? They’re just sittin ducks….pigeons…..doves…. my apologies to the ducks here what I besemerched with the insinuation they don’t fight back
Mr Pacific Black Duck: Quack
Judge Barking Owl: Quiet in the gallery. So Mr Noisy Miner you feel you have the right to bully the Crested pigeons?
Mr Noisy Miner: Well look at em – they’re their own worst enemy – it’s just an open invitation
Judge Barking Owl: Do you not have any empathy for your fellow birds?
Mr Noisy Miner: Look wevver or not I’m capable of independent moral thought and the ability to empathise with my fellow avian compatriots is a philosophical discussion for anovver day. I mean wevver or not I can be blamed for my actions sounds a bit anthropomorphic to me – yeah I know I know you’re not the only one what can use big words guv. You know who I blame?
Judge Barking Owl (drolly): No please enlighten us
Mr Noisy Miner: The humans. I mean look I’m just doin the best I can under the circumstances what are presented to me. It’s dem humans what is to blame. Want to clear all the undergrowth so I have a nice view of all the other little birds? Sure go for it. Want to mow the grass within an inch of its life – be my guest. Want to drop your human food everywhere – I couldn’t ask for anything better. I mean I may identify as a honeyeater, but I’m actually a garbage guts. And don’t even get me started on all the grevilleas and callistemons – knock yourself out, plant ‘em wherever you like – just so you feel you’re doing your little bit for nature. I bleedin love nectar – can’t get enough of it – and I tell you what, coked to the eyeballs on that stuff of course I’m going to run amok – that’s like red cordial to a two-year old for me – I can’t help myself. None of us can – it’s them humans what can – and so they’re to blame. I mean you’re gonna tell me that you can stop eatin mice? Or Barrister Pardalote QC can lay off the lerps? Nah – it’s just in our nature. You shoulda heard him last week on this euacalypt – he and his mates ‘ohr that’s good lerp he says’ – they were off their noggin on em – and don’t tell me you haven’t noticed Bailiff Pegergrine lickin his lips at the plaintiff…..okay well he don’t have no lips – bad analogy…but you know what I mean
Judge Barking Owl: Hmm – you make a good point…….okay case dismissed – this court finds against the humans and hereby orders them to restore the environment back to its natural balance
Mr Noisy Miner: Well glad we got that cleared up then….I’ll just be on my way shall I?
Wonderful artwork was provided for this article when it went to press by Alex Hotchin
This article first appeared in The Crows Post in June 2026